I Just Can't Let Go

As a mentioned before, I am trying to lose the last of my baby weight. It just won't go away. In an effort to move things along, I joined our local community center. It is a great facility that was just built a couple of years ago. It has a pool, a gym, a track and a day care. Here is were my issue comes in.

I just can't bring myself to leave P in the daycare center. I am sure that all of the instructors there are wonderful. They have all been trained and are CPR certified. But the thought of leaving her there with a total stranger, I just can't seem to get past. P is at the age where she is backwards around people she doesn't know and I don't think it will be a pleasant experience, for either of us, if I just leave her with someone she doesn't know.

I can always go into the gym when my husband comes home but I hate cutting into our family time. I do go in on the weekends when my husband is off but I wish I could go more consistently. I love to go in and workout, it bumps up my energy and self-esteem. I just can't get past the issue of leaving P there with a stranger.

I haven't come up with a solution to my problem yet, but right now? I don't think the daycare is an option at this point. I just can't let go.

After Breastfeeding

I decided to breastfeed my daughter for various reasons: 1. It was the best thing for her. 2. It is free! Do you know how much formula costs? I didn't have too much trouble breastfeeding. In the beginning I had some issues with her wanting to breastfeed but they were resolved within a week. I had a good breastfeeding experience. I was sad when I stopped breast feeding my daughter. I missed the time that we had and the bond that we shared.

After I stopped producing milk, I noticed something very different about my boobs. They were floppy. They were floppy and somewhat squishy. They were no longer full and perky. I always told myself, "if I didn't have anything else, I had nice boobs." Really, it is something that can be fixed with a push-up bra but I know the difference. My husband tells me that my boobs are still nice but I think he might just be saying that to make me feel better.

I wouldn't of changed my decision to breastfeed for anything in the world. It was the best thing for my daughter and for our relationship. I just wish I had my boobs back.

Well, I am off to go buy a new push-up bra.


By the way, over at Sarcastic Mom is a contest for a cool mommy t-shirt. Check it out!

Oh, What A Morning!

Last night I remembered that I had to take P to her doctors appointment. I woke up this morning and got myself ready to go. About an hour before we had to leave, I come to find she is covered in milk. Apparently, she learned how to open her cup. So I start to run her bath water and I take her clothes off. While holding her, she decides it is time to poop. The said poop landed on the floor and guess what? I stepped in it. Thats right, these are the kind of mornings that you just love.

I managed to get us cleaned up and we arrived at her doctors appointment on time. (Now, I do have to mention that a month ago, P was in the hospital for a bacterial infection.) So we are sitting in the waiting room and the nurse calls us back. As soon as I step into the exam room, P goes into hysterics. She obviously knows were she is and what is about to happen. I had to hold her arms down just so the nurse could take her temperature on her forehead. This was not good. We were in the exam room for about 20 minutes and the whole entire time she was screaming.

The hospital visit was not a fun experience to say the least. Now, she freaks out anytime she comes near a doctor. At the end of the visit, she got her shots. I really think they hurt me more than they hurt her. As soon as I got her dressed and we walked out of the exam room, she was as happy as could be.

These are the kind of mornings that makes motherhood interesting, at best.

I Am Thankful

Things I am thankful for:

1. I am thankful that my daughter is healthy. When I was 5 months pregnant, the doctor found a cyst on her brain. I was told that this was actually more common than one would think, but I was freaked out. The cyst went away on its own.

When she was 6 months old she had RSV. That again, freaked me out. We were in the hospital for a week; she recovered well but I always over reacted when she gets sick now.

Other than the 2 above mentioned scares, my daughter is healthy and happy.

2. I am thankful for my family. We don't always get along but I don't know what I would do without them. I have large family, including my husbands family. We all have had our ups and downs but we all love each other.

3. I am thankful for the opportunity to be a stay-at-home mother. Not everybody has this opportunity. If my husband wouldn't of landed the job he is working now, when I was 7 months pregnant, I would be working. I would probably be working my 9-5, pushing paper around my desk, wondering if my baby girl was being treated well. So I am very thankful of this opportunity.

4. I am thankful for my husband. He is always there for me when I need him. He knows me so well. He is my best friend and I am blessed to have him in my life.

5. I am thankful for our military men and women.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

Growing Right Before My Eyes

P is almost 15 months old now. It is amazing how fast she is growing up. Lately, I have been in awe in how much she has been learning: the new words, her becoming very independent, and just how much she has grown.

She now will come up to me with her arms raised and say, "up, up, mommy." It seams like yesterday when she was just learning how to roll over. She also started to plug her nose whenever I say, eww stinky. That one gets me giggling every time. Her vocabulary is growing everyday it seems. Some of her new words she as learned are: up, no, yes, baby and of course, Elmo. She has been saying mommy and daddy for quite some time now.

Every day she is doing something different. Just the other night, I was holding her in my arms before bed, she looked at me and pointed to the ceiling where there were shapes displaying in different colors from her lullaby projector. She has had this projector since birth but she has never tried to bring it to my attention before.

She likes to try different things and is definitely not afraid of anything. She as started to stack everything and anything she can get her hands on. She also likes to hide things in places unknown. I still don't know where the remote is for our dvd player. Randomly, I find toys and sippy cups in different cupboards. I can't help but laugh when I come across these things.

I just can't begin to describe the way I feel when I see my daughter growing up right before my eyes. It makes me so happy, yet so sad all at the same time.

5 Things About Me

1. I am a mother to a 15 month old little girl.

I would like to think that I am in charge here at home but the closer she gets to two, I am realizing I am not. Still not sure how that is going to pan out. We will see, I guess.

2. I have been married to my husband for three years.

We have been together for 9 years and have been married for three. We have had our ups and downs but we love each other and our little girl.

3. I have sympathy pains whenever I see a loved one get hurt.

Especially when it is my husband or daughter. If I see either one in pain, my body will actually ache. (Well, besides the time my grandma fell out of her lawn chair, I laughed. Don't judge. It was funny.)

4. I used to have a great sense of humor.

I don't laugh as much as I used to. Whenever I do have something funny to say, I normally just keep it to myself. (I am getting sad just writing this.) Some how I think I lost a little bit of myself somewhere along the way. Some of the people that I am surrounded by don't even really know me (e.g. my inlaws.) This is one of the reasons I started this blog. I am hoping to get some of me back.

5. I am not a great writer.

I don't claim to be a great writer. In fact, I know there will be many mistakes in my writing. I do have a personal goal to improve. Even though I am not that great, I have found that getting everything out of my head really helps.

These are just a few things about me. I will be sure to add more as I go.

Sleepless Nights

At this point in my short motherhood career, the only time my sleep is truly interrupted is when P is teething or is sick. I know, I know, I should count my blessings, right? Well, I have been having some problems lately getting to sleep. It seems like it comes in cycles. I can go for a couple of months without having trouble falling asleep and then I will go a couple of months lying in bed wishing I was asleep.

I know deep down it has a lot to do with anxiety. Now, during the day, unless something crazy is going on, my anxiety levels are very low; especially since I am a stay-at-home mother and if I don't feel like dealing with people, I don't. But at night? It seems to rise to levels that I am not comfortable with, in turn causing lack of sleep.

Sometimes turning on an old tv show that I used to watch as a teen like Rosanne or Golden Girls, I feel calm and am able to sleep. (My poor husband has seen every episode of the Golden Girls and I think he is traumatized.) But do you think any of these shows are playing? Well, there not. I can't find anything worth falling asleep to. So my problems persists.

Last night, the baby was sleeping and so was the hubs. The house was quite (besides the tv) and I couldn't sleep. Now, here is an interesting thing that I don't quite get: If my husband and I are laying in bed, and he is awake watching tv, I will sleep like a baby. Weird, huh?

Anyway, I was lying in bed last night until 1:30a.m. and P woke up at 6:30. Sometimes nights like these don't effect me the next day. I usually just chug a pot of coffee and I am good to go. But I think since this has been happening all week, it is catching up with me.

I have been dragging all day. When I took P into her room to play with her toys, I found myself lying on the floor, halfway asleep, as she was tossing her books all over the room. She has a ton of books, folks.

Now it is evening and my husband and I were planning on taking P into our community center to swim but I am just way too tired. I feel pretty bad; like I should suck it up and go. I just can't bring myself to get us all ready to go out into the cold to go swimming. If I was supermom I could? But, that I am not.

Well, hopefully tonight I will be able to sleep. I just have this funny feeling that when I lay my head down on my pillow, my eyes will be wide awake.

I sure hope not!

Weight Loss After Pregnancy

During my pregnancy with P, I gained a significant amount of weight. I was working at a stressful job and had no options of finding other employment because I was providing the insurance.

After my first trimester, when I was able to keep food down, I ate all the time. Most of the time I ate healthy foods but I definitely had my ice cream moments. (I was very pregnant during the summer months.)

After I gave birth, I didn't think I would have a problem losing weight. I was always a fit person and weight wasn't a huge issue. When I went to the doctor for my six week visit, I couldn't believe the number on the scale. I told myself, "that has to be water weight because I am not that big."

It wasn't until I took my daughter to the zoo, and photographs of me were taken, that I realized, I was huge! At that point, I was in a panic. I refused to go anywhere that someone I knew (before pregnancy) would see me. I was ashamed of my body. My daughter was 8 months old and I was still huge.

I worked out moderately but the scale wouldn't budge. It wasn't until I decided to get a part time job, to help the family budget, that I started to lose the weight. I worked the whole summer and lost a total of 20 pounds. I was very happy with my weight accomplishments.

I still had about ten more pounds to lose before I reached my pre-pregnancy weight, but I was starting to look like me again. I was also quite pleased that I looked half way decent for P's first birthday. I guess you can say, I am self conscious.

Summer is over now and I did reach my summer weight loss goal. I have since decided to stay at home with my baby girl. Initially, I was worried that the weight loss would stop since I would be at home the majority of my time. However, chasing around a crazy little toddler all day helps weight loss as well. (Who knew?) I have lost 5 more pounds and I only have to lose 5 more to reach my pre-pregnancy weight (Whoopi!)

All in all, this has definitely been a learning experience. Weight loss after pregnancy, for me, was very hard. I am almost at my goal weight and I am kind of proud of myself. Now, if I can only make it through this holiday season, I'll be in good shape. Here's hoping, right?