Drepression: I Want Me Back

I did it. I couldn't take it anymore. I called my doctor to make an appointment about my depression. I have been feeling mildly depressed for a couple of months now. Well, sometimes it goes off and on, I don't know how to explain it. But lately, for the past few weeks, I don't even have the desire to get dressed or even leave the house. I don't know how to explain it but I am really sad all the time. When I sit on the floor and play with my daughter, I am faking a smile. Don't get me wrong, she is the light of my life and this really has nothing to do with her. It's about me.

I also have issues with anxiety. This, I have managed to handle on my own. I can tell when I am getting anxious and most of the time, I can calm myself down. I have lived with anxiety since I was a teenager in high school. Usually I get anxious if I am in huge crowds or if I have to walk into a room full of people I don't know. Last Thanksgiving I was at my in-laws and a huge argument broke out. It got pretty heated and I felt myself starting to shake. It was all a blur to me really. Needless to say, we spent Thanksgiving with my family this year.

Anyway, anxiety really isn't the issue hear. I can handle that now. I am talking about wanting to cry for no reason or something really stupid like: the store not having what I needed or someone rudely zipping into a parking spot that I was almost in. I am in pain. I feel like I have lost something.

Okay, so I have established I am sad and the fact that I called the doctor about it means it must be serious. That kind of scares me in it's self. I am not sure what he will be able to do for me. I thought about trying to find a therapist but I am not that sure that I need one. I am aware of the events in my life that some what formed who I am today. I am aware of the things that happened in my adolescents that maybe shouldn't of happened. I have lead and average life. Nothing horrific has happened to me. I have had a lot of bumps through the years (mostly adolescent years)and I am not trying to downsize my pain, but I haven't suffered great loss. I have a loving husband and a beautiful daughter.

So why am I so sad all of the time? I am not too sure. I just want to wake up in the morning and be excited about the day. I can't handle the way I feel any longer. I want my daughter to have a happy mommy. I do not in any way want my issues to effect her. She is the best thing in the world.

How My Goals Have Changed

Before I had my daughter my goals in life were very different than what they are now. I wanted to be successful. I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to do, but I did know, I wanted to be successful. I went to college, and for a while, that was my main focus. I did very well in college. If I would of been made of money, I probably would have continued my college studies.

After college I landed a temporary position working for the Common Pleas Court in my area. I worked very closely with two judges and an excellent staff. Quickly after that, I landed a job working for a group of lawyers at a law firm. I stayed there for a few years but I realized it did not make me happy.

Shortly after that, I had my daughter and my whole perspective on life changed. I know longer wanted to have a nice "title" to impress people. I want(ed) to be a good mother. I want to be a good wife. I want to be happy as an individual and as a family.

Looking back, my reasons for wanting to be successful were not to better myself. They were to show everyone that I was worth something. When I was younger, I felt that I wasn't good enough. I felt that I had to show the people that walked all over me that I was worth something.

At this point in my life, I am not working outside my home. I am a stay-at-home mother and I am proud of it. It is the most important job I will ever have. And to anyone who says it isn't, must not have children.