Getting Back To Me

I haven't posted in a while. I have been trying to work on some things that needed attention. Like I mentioned before, I haven't been feeling myself. I have dealing with this way for a while and I went to the doctor to talk about my options. I won't go into detail but some medication was prescribed. I also have issues with winter. I am always down in the winter season. My doctor recommended changing my light bulbs to full spectrum light bulbs. They give off more of a natural light, like the sun. It also makes my house look better so that's a bonus.

It's been about a month now and I am starting to get back to myself. I am getting more sleep at night. My husband says that I talk his ear off now. I am very happy that I am feeling better but I am concerned that it takes medication to do so. I do plan to have another child in the next couple of years so that is definitely something that I am worried about. For now, I am happy with my progress and I hope to start writing again, even though I am not very good at it.

Drepression: I Want Me Back

I did it. I couldn't take it anymore. I called my doctor to make an appointment about my depression. I have been feeling mildly depressed for a couple of months now. Well, sometimes it goes off and on, I don't know how to explain it. But lately, for the past few weeks, I don't even have the desire to get dressed or even leave the house. I don't know how to explain it but I am really sad all the time. When I sit on the floor and play with my daughter, I am faking a smile. Don't get me wrong, she is the light of my life and this really has nothing to do with her. It's about me.

I also have issues with anxiety. This, I have managed to handle on my own. I can tell when I am getting anxious and most of the time, I can calm myself down. I have lived with anxiety since I was a teenager in high school. Usually I get anxious if I am in huge crowds or if I have to walk into a room full of people I don't know. Last Thanksgiving I was at my in-laws and a huge argument broke out. It got pretty heated and I felt myself starting to shake. It was all a blur to me really. Needless to say, we spent Thanksgiving with my family this year.

Anyway, anxiety really isn't the issue hear. I can handle that now. I am talking about wanting to cry for no reason or something really stupid like: the store not having what I needed or someone rudely zipping into a parking spot that I was almost in. I am in pain. I feel like I have lost something.

Okay, so I have established I am sad and the fact that I called the doctor about it means it must be serious. That kind of scares me in it's self. I am not sure what he will be able to do for me. I thought about trying to find a therapist but I am not that sure that I need one. I am aware of the events in my life that some what formed who I am today. I am aware of the things that happened in my adolescents that maybe shouldn't of happened. I have lead and average life. Nothing horrific has happened to me. I have had a lot of bumps through the years (mostly adolescent years)and I am not trying to downsize my pain, but I haven't suffered great loss. I have a loving husband and a beautiful daughter.

So why am I so sad all of the time? I am not too sure. I just want to wake up in the morning and be excited about the day. I can't handle the way I feel any longer. I want my daughter to have a happy mommy. I do not in any way want my issues to effect her. She is the best thing in the world.

How My Goals Have Changed

Before I had my daughter my goals in life were very different than what they are now. I wanted to be successful. I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to do, but I did know, I wanted to be successful. I went to college, and for a while, that was my main focus. I did very well in college. If I would of been made of money, I probably would have continued my college studies.

After college I landed a temporary position working for the Common Pleas Court in my area. I worked very closely with two judges and an excellent staff. Quickly after that, I landed a job working for a group of lawyers at a law firm. I stayed there for a few years but I realized it did not make me happy.

Shortly after that, I had my daughter and my whole perspective on life changed. I know longer wanted to have a nice "title" to impress people. I want(ed) to be a good mother. I want to be a good wife. I want to be happy as an individual and as a family.

Looking back, my reasons for wanting to be successful were not to better myself. They were to show everyone that I was worth something. When I was younger, I felt that I wasn't good enough. I felt that I had to show the people that walked all over me that I was worth something.

At this point in my life, I am not working outside my home. I am a stay-at-home mother and I am proud of it. It is the most important job I will ever have. And to anyone who says it isn't, must not have children.

I Just Can't Let Go

As a mentioned before, I am trying to lose the last of my baby weight. It just won't go away. In an effort to move things along, I joined our local community center. It is a great facility that was just built a couple of years ago. It has a pool, a gym, a track and a day care. Here is were my issue comes in.

I just can't bring myself to leave P in the daycare center. I am sure that all of the instructors there are wonderful. They have all been trained and are CPR certified. But the thought of leaving her there with a total stranger, I just can't seem to get past. P is at the age where she is backwards around people she doesn't know and I don't think it will be a pleasant experience, for either of us, if I just leave her with someone she doesn't know.

I can always go into the gym when my husband comes home but I hate cutting into our family time. I do go in on the weekends when my husband is off but I wish I could go more consistently. I love to go in and workout, it bumps up my energy and self-esteem. I just can't get past the issue of leaving P there with a stranger.

I haven't come up with a solution to my problem yet, but right now? I don't think the daycare is an option at this point. I just can't let go.

After Breastfeeding

I decided to breastfeed my daughter for various reasons: 1. It was the best thing for her. 2. It is free! Do you know how much formula costs? I didn't have too much trouble breastfeeding. In the beginning I had some issues with her wanting to breastfeed but they were resolved within a week. I had a good breastfeeding experience. I was sad when I stopped breast feeding my daughter. I missed the time that we had and the bond that we shared.

After I stopped producing milk, I noticed something very different about my boobs. They were floppy. They were floppy and somewhat squishy. They were no longer full and perky. I always told myself, "if I didn't have anything else, I had nice boobs." Really, it is something that can be fixed with a push-up bra but I know the difference. My husband tells me that my boobs are still nice but I think he might just be saying that to make me feel better.

I wouldn't of changed my decision to breastfeed for anything in the world. It was the best thing for my daughter and for our relationship. I just wish I had my boobs back.

Well, I am off to go buy a new push-up bra.


By the way, over at Sarcastic Mom is a contest for a cool mommy t-shirt. Check it out!

Oh, What A Morning!

Last night I remembered that I had to take P to her doctors appointment. I woke up this morning and got myself ready to go. About an hour before we had to leave, I come to find she is covered in milk. Apparently, she learned how to open her cup. So I start to run her bath water and I take her clothes off. While holding her, she decides it is time to poop. The said poop landed on the floor and guess what? I stepped in it. Thats right, these are the kind of mornings that you just love.

I managed to get us cleaned up and we arrived at her doctors appointment on time. (Now, I do have to mention that a month ago, P was in the hospital for a bacterial infection.) So we are sitting in the waiting room and the nurse calls us back. As soon as I step into the exam room, P goes into hysterics. She obviously knows were she is and what is about to happen. I had to hold her arms down just so the nurse could take her temperature on her forehead. This was not good. We were in the exam room for about 20 minutes and the whole entire time she was screaming.

The hospital visit was not a fun experience to say the least. Now, she freaks out anytime she comes near a doctor. At the end of the visit, she got her shots. I really think they hurt me more than they hurt her. As soon as I got her dressed and we walked out of the exam room, she was as happy as could be.

These are the kind of mornings that makes motherhood interesting, at best.

I Am Thankful

Things I am thankful for:

1. I am thankful that my daughter is healthy. When I was 5 months pregnant, the doctor found a cyst on her brain. I was told that this was actually more common than one would think, but I was freaked out. The cyst went away on its own.

When she was 6 months old she had RSV. That again, freaked me out. We were in the hospital for a week; she recovered well but I always over reacted when she gets sick now.

Other than the 2 above mentioned scares, my daughter is healthy and happy.

2. I am thankful for my family. We don't always get along but I don't know what I would do without them. I have large family, including my husbands family. We all have had our ups and downs but we all love each other.

3. I am thankful for the opportunity to be a stay-at-home mother. Not everybody has this opportunity. If my husband wouldn't of landed the job he is working now, when I was 7 months pregnant, I would be working. I would probably be working my 9-5, pushing paper around my desk, wondering if my baby girl was being treated well. So I am very thankful of this opportunity.

4. I am thankful for my husband. He is always there for me when I need him. He knows me so well. He is my best friend and I am blessed to have him in my life.

5. I am thankful for our military men and women.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!